There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You Might Also Like
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
let’s discuss
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
couldn’t resist
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
A friend sent me this.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.