The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
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the council will decide your fate
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied