You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Just got to our Airbnb!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.