Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
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I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
something like this could probably happen to anyone
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.