Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
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I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here