you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.