me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Ironic
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]