Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.