Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.