My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?