please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
You Might Also Like
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
This is my brand.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables