5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
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My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
🙄😏😂🤣
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still