lmfao come on
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Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?