Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR