I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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had to share :’)
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
the three branches of government
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies