OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
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No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.