genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.