Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
HOW DARE YOU
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.