Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Social distancing in Australia:
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife