Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
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Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.