There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.