It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
No way!
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie