A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning