Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
You Might Also Like
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
LOL
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.