warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
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The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs