Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
If snakes were wide
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.