A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
You Might Also Like
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“We will wed,” I threatened
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????