You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..