ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
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I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Who needs an Air Fryer?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.