Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
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me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
👾👾👾
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*