servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.