Mmmm canned fish.
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
How it started How it’s going