When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.