11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
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law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Nothing to do, you say?
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
asked my bf how work was today