I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)