Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
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Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Weirdos gonna weird.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
This was the best day of my life
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out