You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Who’s ready for Friday?!
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.