Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.