[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
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If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.