The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.