[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Good morning.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Meme Monday.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Blew out my flip flop…