Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.