I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land