Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
this could fix me
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
so this horse walks into a bar
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up