You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien