Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me checking my bank balance online.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
lmao
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”