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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.