[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
You Might Also Like
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
these two trucks have the same bed length