You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
nature’s most graceful animal
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me