Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.